When do I miss you, Love?

It's hard to pinpoint the precise moment that the heart within a mother's chest will break when it comes to these things. Some say it's the second she realizes what she must do. Others will say it's the moment of departing. I still don't know. All I know is that I'm counting the miles, the days, the breaths, and the heartbeats until you are back home in my arms. I've thought long and hard about missing you. Sometimes, it's not so bad. Other times, I realize there is a high rise building planted firmly in the center of my diaphragm, and it gets a little hard to breath. Heh. I'm nothing if not dramatic, ya'll.

My days seem shorter without you here. It's almost as if there is no time for me, for joy, for play. Not to say Ava doesn't keep me entertained. It's just... Without you, this house is not a home. There isn't crayon on the walls. When I walk into the hall bathroom, I don't step into a puddle because you've again defied me and tried to sail away on your fly boat in the sink. I don't wake up in the mornings to a layer of cheerios on the kitchen floor, evidence of your midnight snack. The Dante's Peak of laundry that's always ferociously ready to erupt has been reduced to a manageable stack that hasn't even reached the top of the basket yet.

I took Ava to school today. It was her first day back without you. As we exited my car Ava loudly declared that this is NOT North Carolina, and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! Like, a CACTUS or something? Did it just WAVE at me, or, like, uh, where are the pine trees and shit?! Of course, that is verbatim. She stood in the parking lot with her hood on and lost interest in the cactus and its greeting. She stared at the school with it's plain stucco walls and simple fence. She looked right at the doors, then looked up at me with the saddest blue eyes. In barely more than a whisper, she told me, "No Mom. This is brudder's school.... I just can't. Brudder is gone." The sheer force of such plain words took my breath away. I sat down on the curb to tell her that her "Brudder" was OK, and he'll be back just as soon as he can. We walked into the school, but it's just not the same without you. Nothing is the same without you.

We are waiting for you. Every second without you is a lifetime. Please, for Momma, don't grow up.Not yet. Don't change. Stay my baby boy for a little longer. Keep your deep green eyes shining, and your smile quick. Don't be afraid to speak your mind and tell the world exactly what is on your mind. The world could fall apart, but you would stay my heart. My first true love. Remember you are never alone. You'll come back to me someday. They say love is letting go, but I'm learning that lesson a little too well right now. You were mine for a time, and soon you will be right back where you belong. I don't know how to keep from falling apart, love is keeping me together. Like a permanent glue that doesn't fade with distance. I'll close my eyes tonight, just like every other night and watch a slide show in my mind. The first time I saw you... with your soft blond hair when I held you close and breathed your name. The day you started walking, your first words. The look on your face when you saw the 4lb 2 oz "kitty cat" that you later found out was your baby sister. The nights you laid by my side, and I sang you a lullaby, and we drifted off to a land where dreams do come true....However mighty I may seem, I'm nothing without you and Ava. We're waiting for you...

These are the times, when I miss you Love.